This Soul Torn Asunder
by nlmg
Summary: An AU that follows twenty year old Ben Paul as he survives the Outbreak. Different characters and events but the same amount of misfortune with a flicker of hope. A series of one shots. Includes two smut scenes. Not a romance.
1. Part 1 - The Aftermath

_[Author's Note: I'm trying to do justice to Ben by giving him his own storyline. I hope you enjoy it. Comments or reviews are much appreciated. __And for anyone who's interested in a multimedia experience of this story you can check out thissoultornasunder tumblr. That has a few tidbits and photo extras of who I'd cast as the characters, playlists, along with some other goodies._]

**Part 1: The Aftermath**

The coffee house was buzzing with people. Sipping his coffee nervously, Ben had to force himself not to make a face as the bitter hot drink burned his tongue. He had no idea what he was doing here. He had no idea why he had ordered black coffee when all he really wanted was hot chocolate. But a part of him figured he was a college kid now so he should start with coffee. It was a bad idea all around as the tip of his tongue burned. He missed home.

Back in May, Ben had been accepted into University of Georgia and his Dad had been elated giving him a big speech about the future being full of opportunities. His Mom had bought a big cake and his little sister, Katie, had even made him a macaroni necklace. Ben hadn't exactly thrilled about leaving part of his life still seemed incomplete. He didn't quite feel like he had the world figured out.

The two kids had sat on the porch eating cake when Katie spoke.

"Will still call and read to me?" Katie had asked Ben, her bottom lip trembling.

"I promise." Ben smiled as he mussed up her pigtails. "Take care of Mom and Dad okay, KitKat? Don't get into trouble while I'm gone."

Katie nodded in agreement hugging his arm.

Part of him really hated leaving. He had been there for scraped knees and bed time stories, he even managed to scare away a few monsters from her closet. But it was time to grow up or so it seemed. He was a college kid now.

College was great what with all the drinking and the parties. Now if only he could figure out how to get invited to them.

Jostled back to reality he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder.

"Sorry! I had to stop by the library on the way here. Have you been waiting long?"

Jumping slightly he relaxed when he realized who it was. Mei Wu pulled up a chair and sat down looking out of breath her cheeks a rosy pink behind her thick wool scarf her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail at the base of her neck. Ben felt the color rise to his cheeks as he realized he had been staring for a bit longer than he should have.

She stared at him awaiting a response. Shaking his head in she smiled glancing about looking uncertain. Trying to reclaim his nerves Ben took a big gulp of oh-so-mature coffee before instantly regretting it. Dating wasn't something Ben did well, if at all, but he wanted to do it right this time.

He had never really dating anyone in high school and aside from awkward kissing and touching he had been pretty much clueless on the matter. All he knew now was that he wanted to be good. For Mei. For himself.

He just wanted something good to happen for once.

0 —- 0 —- 0 —- 0

Twelve hours had passed since their polite conversation at the coffee house. The world had been turned upside down. The Outbreak had flushed everyone out onto the streets. There was screaming, panic, chaos.

They were walking on the highway now, away from the city. They stayed close to the trees. They made sure to stay out of sight.

Nursing a black eye and a sprained ankle Ben glanced at Mei who walking a few paces ahead, her back to him, hugging her arms to her chest. A clump of her dark hair was matted with blood. A walker had grabbed her by the hair. Ben had pulled her back only to have a large portion of hair ripped it from her scalp. But that wasn't why she refused to speak to him.

There had been a little girl a few miles back. Trapped inside a car wreck, a devastating pile up of crushed cars, the ground littered. A little girl unable to free herself from her seat buckle. She had been crying, whimpering, pleading.

The car had been plowed into a tree on the side of the road. Her family hadn't survived the impact but they weren't coming back. The front windshield was shattered and bloodied.

The sight made Ben wretch into a nearby ditch. They had been traveling on foot, his feet burned hot. He could already feel the blisters starting to form on the pads of his feet. These definitely weren't his running shoes Wiping the string of spittle from his mouth with the sleeve of his red sweatshirt Ben turned back to Mei only to find her missing.

Panicked Ben's head whipped around frantically. She was gone? Had a walker taken her? Had she left him?

Finally spotting her familiar blue sweater, she was crouching behind some shrubs. Ahead of her the road swarmed with walkers. And here they were defenseless.

Feeling his heart pound as he saw Mei dart to the girl's car.

"Shh… it's alright. We're going to get you out of here."

Feeling his anxiety rise as he her the rasping growls of the walkers wandered through the wreckage Ben followed. His brow furrowed as he saw the little girl was no better off than her parents. Her legs crushed between her and the seat in front of her. The only difference being this girl was still alive, still conscious. Still in pain.

"What's your name?" Mei still hadn't seen the girl's trapped legs.

"Anu - Anukaren." The girl winced and whimpered as Mei attempted to tug the seatbelt free. What little life Anu had left in her was fading fast as her brown eyes met his.

"That's a pretty name…" Mei continued determined to set the girl free by sheer force of will. But will wasn't enough. The loss of blood was simply too much.

Mei was still leaning into the car trying to free the girl when Ben placed a hand on her shoulder. He felt her jump before withdrawing from the car and exhaling noisily. Giving her shoulder a quick squeeze Ben tried to imitate his father's persuasive yet reasonable voice but it came out all wrong. Ben wasn't his father.

"Mei, she's not going to - we have to go." Ben mumbled panicked. He tried placing a hand on her shoulder to pull her back but she violently pushed him back accidentally elbowing his eye. Stumbling back he saw white spots and his vision blurred as his eyes watered.

He heard a gargled growl as a walker rounded on them. It had grabbed Mei by the hair and was determined to pull her closer. Run, run, run. A loud voice shouted in Ben's brain but he managed to shake it off long enough to gain some sense. Grabbing Mei's arm and tugging her fiercely they broke free. A large clump of jet black hair coupled with skin was ripped from Mei's scalp as she gave a scream.

They ran.

And instead the walker was left with the little girl who's screams were still heard as they bolted down the road.


	2. Part 2 - The Wake

_[Author's Note: I never said I could write smut but I have given it a shot. I worked hard on this but I hope you enjoy it even with my bumbling mistakes. Enjoy and like always comments or reviews are much appreciated. __And for anyone who's interested in a multimedia experience of this story you can check out thissoultornasunder tumblr. That has a few tidbits and photo extras of who I'd cast as the characters, playlists, along with some other goodies._]

_**Part 2: The Wake**_

They had been moving nonstop for two days. Two days since the girl and the car wreck. Two days with no food or rest. Tensions were unnaturally high.

Ben and Mei had made it to the outskirts on Monroe by sheer luck and lack of real direction. Without a car Ben had no idea how to navigate and his usual tactic, of heading in one direction until he got his bearings, was all but lost when there were walkers afoot.

During their wanderings their only goal in being following the road that would lead 'home.' Though how much of a home it would be after the Outbreak remained to be seen.

Ben's stomach had long since passed the burning that came with his hunger and was now an empty hollow, wanting, wishing, and hoping for something - anything to eat. His vision was blurred and somewhere to his right he saw Mei sway in place as she pointed at a rust colored house a few feet away from them.

Leaning on his walking stick Ben willed his eyes to focus, it took a few seconds before he realized what she meant.

He had promised to take her home when they had left their dorm in Athens. He had promised things would be blow over in a few days the night they had left the girl in the car wreck. He had promised a lot of things and none of which were going the way he had expected.

At least he had come through this time. At least they had made it.

Thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance as they drew closer to the rust colored house. Like most of the city it looked abandoned. Ben held his breath as Mei pulled a spare key from underneath a flower pot and opened the front door. The stick held tightly in his hands like a baseball bat. His nerves were off the charts. Were they really doing this? Was this place even safe? What if-

The front door creaked open and Ben stepped forward into the darkness of the doorway. He hoped Mei hadn't noticed that he was trembling like a leaf. He could do this, he told himself. He could.

Nothing lunged at him from the darkness. Nothing gurgled or growled. The house was dead silent.

Still trembling Ben heard Mei close the front door behind them.

He watched as she flicked the light switch back and forth madly. The power was out. Of course it was out. They hadn't seen lights in days why should this place be any different?

He swallowed hard as he saw the framed photo on the wall. Mei and her family, her elderly father in a wheel chair, Mei stood next to him a hand on his shoulder, her older sister beaming, and her Uncle she had spoken of so fondly. Of course she had wanted this place to be different. For this place to be untouched.

His heart sank as he thought of his own family, his mother, father, and little sister, Katie. Where were they now? Were they any better off than the Wu's? He hoped they were, as selfish as that sounded. He hoped they were safe.

While he had been lost in thought Mei was rummaging through the cabinets for food. The place had been ransacked, the glass on the backdoor had been broken, the cabinets left almost bare. There was barely anything left, save for a few cans. They managed to open the cans of fruit and ate greedily using their hands and not caring for the dirt and grime that coated their skin as they supped on the syrup that stuck to their fingers. They had finished what was left of the canned food. It had been nowhere near enough but it had silenced the gurgling in his stomach at least and he was grateful for it.

Giving a small sigh, Mei met his eye and motioned for them to go check upstairs. She hadn't spoken a word since they had left the girl to the walker. He had tried to get her to speak to him. He had apologized, bargained, promised, but she remained silent. It had been his fault they had left the girl to the walker. His fault the walker had torn the little girl apart. He still heard the little girl's screams when the world became all too silent.

Nodding Ben gave a small and what he hoped looked like a reassuring smile. Though his nervousness crept through and his breathing became uneven as panic finally set in. They climbed the stairs slowly as Ben attempted to gain control over his breathing, over the never ending panic and alarm that bellowed in his mind to turn back and run down the stairs. He was once again taking the uncertain lead, the stick in hand his whole body trembling. This was a bad idea. This was a terrible idea. This was -

A crack thunder boomed and lightning flashed, Ben felt his heart jump into his throat. The lightning flashed & Ben could see crimson smears across the walls. Blood. Feeling himself grow queasy and feeling his knees grow weak he felt Mei give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. The house was silent but Ben could swear his heartbeat was beating loud enough for Mei to hear.

"It's okay. I'll go."

Her words made him freeze for a moment unsure of how to respond as she grabbed the walking stick and headed upstairs. Those had been the first words she had spoken in days. And they had been to quell the fear that settled in his chest and caused his heart to hammer. He should have been relieved, he should have been grateful to hear her voice but instead he felt ashamed. If he wasn't able to stand the sight of blood how could he fight off a walker?

There was silence for a long while and Ben's vision became blurred as the he began to trail on dried blood leading to the front door. His queasiness had somewhat subsided by the time Mei returned a few moments later.

"There's no one here." She murmured. "Let's get what we need and get out of here..."

Ben remained rooted to the spot. Another flash of lightning flashed and Ben gritted his teeth at the sight of the blood smeared walls. Swallowing hard he managed to nod.

"W-where do we start looking?" He tried to look anywhere, everywhere that wasn't bloodied and oh god it was everywhere wasn't it?

He felt lightheaded as his mouth went dry and he felt his vision blur once more with spots of black.

Mei gripped his arm tightly and yanked him forward before he toppled backward.

"Ben. Ben, it's okay. There's a tent in the attic. We can go after that. Just stay with me, okay? Ben? " Her voice sounded just as panicked as Ben felt, her words seemed to rush into one another as though a whole two days worth of panic settled into the words she wasn't able to say before now.

It took a few moments of deep breathing before he was able to gain some composure, let alone walk. They made their way to the attic.

The tent had been an excuse. They could have survived without one.

She had just wanted to be somewhere safe. To have some semblance of safety away from the walkers, high above the streets where their gargled growls could be forgotten, at least for a while. He didn't blame her, in fact he was even happy for it. A place where they didn't have to worry about the walkers was good by him as they rummaged through the boxes in the attic.

Feeling her hand squeeze his he followed close behind before bumping into her as she stopped abruptly and flatly said, "Things are so fucked."

Ben swallowed hard searching for the right words.

He found none but instead hugged her close. Giving her a tight squeeze as she looked up at him. She was a foot shorter than him so much so that she had to stand on her toes to meet his chin. He had always enjoyed teasing her about it back when they were at University.

"But at least I've got you." He could hear the smile in her voice as she murmured into the stillness.

Before he could respond he felt her lips meet his for a moment, she stood on tiptoe. Hugging her closer they parted. He felt her hot breath against his neck. The chill of the storm drew them close as his lips found hers again. This time hers grew more insistent. Hesitating Ben felt his her body pressed eagerly against his he wasn't sure how to reciprocate only that he wanted her so much closer.

Were they making up? Here of all places?

Her hands slipped under the back of his sweatshirt and he felt her fingers trace lines along his back before she relieved him of his sweatshirt leading him over to a cot that had been tucked away. Thoughts of walkers fell far from his thoughts as new circumstances unfolded.

They had stripped away what remained of their clothes and in their haste Ben hadn't had time to feel ashamed or uncertain as his erection pressed between them. Mei sat on the cot looking at him expectantly. Kneeling beside her, his hand still holding hers he stared into her eyes uncertainly. "Wait - A-are you sure? Really sure?"

In answer she pulled him onto the cot. His lips met hers hot and ever so soft as she quietly murmured. "Yes."

Their foreheads pressed together feeling her warm breath against his cheek he gave a weak smile.

"Are you sure, Ben?" She rasped. The question hug in the air for a while as the cogs in Ben's head turned. He was out of his element here. Then again when wasn't he?

His body ached and the warmth of hers beckoned him closer. He nodded fervently. "Yeah, it's just - I just... want this to go right..."

He kissed her bruised knuckles before she pulled him forward. They exchanged one last chaste kiss before giving in.

The next ten minutes paid tribute to their inexperience. A most of their time had been spent finding a position comfortable for them both until they settled on one. Mei settled in his lap her head rested on his chest. Placing his hands on her hips Mei lowered herself onto him feeling himself pressed against her entrance he gave a small whine as his bucked against her. Ben stilled as she let out a sharp gasp of discomfort at his movement. Alarmed Ben thought it was best to remain still he did his best to fight back the urge to roll his hips into hers.

She continued just as slowly decent her brows knitted together in concentration before finally taking him in completely. Ben stilled for a few moments longer taking in the new sensation as she tensed around him. He waited for her to adjust to him not wanting to cause her any more distress. She glanced up at him and gave

a nod. They started sloppily enough the awkward slapping of bodies before they found their rhythm. The hammering in his chest echoed by her soft gasps.

It didn't take long for Ben to feel a coil in his belly tighten as he reached his release giving a soft cry he held her close breathing in her scent before collapsing back onto the cot. They lay there together for a moment before Mei untangled herself from him her cheeks flushed but somehow not filled with the same elation as Ben had experienced. He must have done something wrong, must have missed something. But what else was there?

He exhaled a shaky breath he glanced around thinking hard. This wasn't how he wanted it to be. This hadn't been special or romantic or any of the things he was taught what their first time was supposed to be like. It was just bodies. The awkward mingling of bodies searching for something to hold onto in the dark and afraid to let go. There was nothing special or magical about it and part of him felt ashamed as he watched Mei clean up before hurriedly pulling on her clothes.

There was no snuggling, no reassuring pillow talk, just release. Part of him wondered what any of this had meant or rather, if it had meant anything at all. The thought made him feel very much afraid. What if this was all they were now? Just bodies seeking each other out in the darkness.

It was a while before they were able to gather their things and find the tent. They headed out once the sun rose questions still floating in his mind.

0-0-0-0

Months had passed since their embrace in the attic. They were traveling now and following the lead of a woman named Jack. That's all they could get out of her for she spoke very little to anyone and the name Jack was all they could get out of her, or at least it was all Ben could get out of her. Her name. Or what she _said_ was her name Ben had his doubts.

Their group was constantly on the move, never settling for too long. Fear kept them moving. The promise of food kept them going.

They kept to the forests mostly. They had two other companions other than Jack though Ben wasn't sure if he was glad for it. Pole, a sulky blonde who spent most of her time on look out and despite his offers of friendship she had been known to consistently be giving Ben the stink eye. Archer, as he liked to call himself, seemed to be pretty full of himself considering how often he was the one to bring back something to eat.

Food was the only currency now, not unless you counted usefulness as well. And despite the way things were going Ben felt damn useless.

This was supposed to be a new start for them. He hoped their luck held up.


	3. Part 3 - What's in a Name?

_[Author's Note: I'm adding a bit more to the story so I hope you enjoy it. Comments or reviews are much appreciated. __And for anyone who's interested in a multimedia experience of this story you can check out thissoultornasunder tumblr. That has a few tidbits and photo extras of who I'd cast as the characters, playlists, along with some other goodies._]

**Part 3: What's in a Name?**

Autumn settled around them as the reality of the outbreak set in. This was what life boiled down to for them. Eating once every three days and salvaging the rest. It was a miserable tiresome existence but it was a life, however bleak.

They had settled on the outskirts of Stone Mountain a fair way into the forest just far enough to keep themselves hidden but close enough to fall in for supplies when the need struck them which was often enough. The vain hope that maybe this time they'd find a few more supplies or maybe this time they'd find some food they had missed. The city was hopeless, picked to the bone. Now it only served as a reminder of the life they had before the Outbreak and it left a bitter taste in Ben's mouth.

His family lived in Stone Mountain. Every summer he and his little sister would visit the different tourist spots covering the different events they park managers would set up. He remembered how Katie's eyes would light up when they would drive up through the forest on their way to the camp grounds. She loved Stone Mountain's park shows. The forest had a large section devoted to tourism, showing off their beloved Stone Mountain, sometimes even with laser shows which Ben always thought was a bit much but Katie had always loved them. The forest had seemed less foreboding then, full of less pitfalls and dangers.

He wondered where Katie was now, where any of his family was now. When their group had settled in near the edge of town Ben had mentioned having family nearby. He had asked for help going into town to go look for them. Archer, usually so boisterous and cocky remained silent choosing instead on fiddling with his makeshift bow. Pole had given him a pitying look before settling down beside Archer un-phased. Ben hadn't really expected her to offer any help.

Uncertainly he glanced at Mei who was already grabbing her pack, crowbar in hand. This would have been the first time they would have actually been settled in one place. He didn't want to burden her any more than he already had, but by the determined look in her eyes it seemed as though she would be right behind him on his trek into the city. Jack remained still for a moment, and it seemed as though it would be just the two of them, she followed close behind as she grabbed her hatchet.

They made their way through the streets picking off a couple of walkers that couldn't be avoided. They walked until they arrived at a small yellow house at the end of the road. The white picket fence that surrounded it was almost picturesque, quaint and comfortable. The front door had been knocked off of its hinges, the windows broken, the place had been ransacked and turned upside down to the point where Ben could hardly recognize it save for the photos that smiled back at him from the walls. The house had been empty of all life, living and walker alike. There was no trace of blood, no signs of some great tragedy as there had been at the Wu household. There was simply nothing.

As though they had vanished without a trace. Disappeared into thin air and that bothered him more than anything. They collected what they could from the house: a few medical supplies and a few warm clothes. His old letterman jacket.

The loss of his family had hit him harder the next morning when he found no desire to leave the tent he and Mei shared as fatigue and exhaustion sunk into his bones. No amount of sleep could sate his need to simply exist between the void between wakefulness and oblivion. It became too dangerous to think for too long, as everything he did became a challenge. Eating was hard. Living was harder.

But the apocalypse made no room for the ill. Walkers made no exceptions for the mentally unwell. He had to exist despite every bone in his body screaming otherwise.

His family had been such a big part of his life before the world had gone to hell. He would call Katie once a week to read her a story before bed. His Dad would visit University of Georgia every few weeks to check on how he was settling in and his Mom constantly sent care packages filled with notebooks and baked goods. She had been the one to encourage him to write, he had developed somewhat of a talent for it, and aside from playing the clarinet, he felt writing was something he could really excel at if only he had the right tools.

The Outbreak had ended all of that and without a trace his family was gone.

Grief coupled with anxiety kept him moving with the group no longer taking the time to speak to anyone at all. And for a time it seemed as though moving was all he could do to keep from letting himself waste away.

If they hadn't joined a group when they did Ben would have probably been grabbed by a walker by now. His nerves no longer driving him, his sluggish apathy giving way very rarely to actual tears in the quiet of their tent.

The others had been mostly patient with him though the times where he wasn't able to pick up the slack were falling very close now and there was very little Mei could do to keep up with the demand of two lookout shifts. Jack had understood what a loss like that meant though she said nothing to him instead giving him space. Though the others grew less patient as the days turned into weeks, months.

Most days Mei would try to coax him into eating. A bit of rabbit here, some black berries there. Some nights she would sit beside him and just talk, about the birds she'd seen, stories she'd heard the others tell, anything to fill the silence between them. She jokingly remarked that now it was his turn to be the quiet one.

Sometimes, when Ben would feign sleep, to relieve her from her need to fill the silence, he would feel her hand rest on his shoulder and murmur that she missed him. Missed him. He was still here physically but mentally he was miles and miles away, regret and guilt feeling what was left of the gaping hole in his chest.

Months passed in that dreary haze in which he merely existed. Months still until he was able to gain the strength to follow through with the monotony of their daily routine. He had barely begun to recognize what it was to feel something other than guilt when he started to slowly fall comfortably into their routine. The repetition of their daily tasks gave him something familiar to hold onto.

Ben and Archer had taken up the habit of hunting together. They had been hunting together for a good two weeks before Ben learned how to set up a snare to catch rabbit. When they had started Ben had barely been able to tie a knot. It was good to actually be of some use to the group for once. And slowly, ever so slowly, the color rose back into his cheeks and he was able to breathe again. The dark weight that had settled in the pit of his stomach had somewhat lessened in Archer's company and it seemed enough to have a purpose for a while.

"So you went to UGA?" Archer said in an offhand voice as he fiddled with a bit of tangled fishing line.

He had caught Ben off guard. "Uh, yeah. How could you tell?"

Archer pointed lazily at Ben's worn and faded red sweatshirt barely legible from the cracks and patches it now donned the faded "University of Georgia" emblem still slightly visible. "That, and I heard Mei say something about your classes there. Your girl's pretty sweet. "

"She's not my girl." Ben said uneasily. He unsure how certain he was of that. Though they slept in the same tent and spoke often enough but so much had changed since they had left his childhood home six months ago. Would it be a stretch to still call themselves friends?

But somehow during all of this they clung to one another seemingly gravitating toward each other. Maybe for familiarity. Maybe out of habit. He stuttered dully. "We're just - "

"Relax. I went to UGA for a while. It wasn't for me but I did happen to get something useful out of the year I was there." Archer said giving a small nod at his bow. "It was supposed to be a blow off class. That and I was a huge medieval nerd way back when..."

Ben gave a half smile and nodded and Archer clapped him on the shoulder.

"Just don't go spreading it around. Pole will have a field day." Archer went back to undoing the knots in the tangled fishing line.

Feeling his courage pluck up a bit Ben ventured a question. "You and Pole went to UGA together? You seem close."

Archer shook his head. "No. I met up with Pole and Jack a few weeks before we met you. Pole doesn't talk about her life before the Outbreak and if I were you I'd leave it alone. She doesn't like questions."

They watched as a squirrel scamped across one tree branch and leapt to another.

"She's really clever you know... She's the only reason we can handle snares. And she'd talk your ear off if you'd let her." Archer seemed smitten with Pole as he smiled bemused. Ben had seen the two interact, they were close, closer than he would have expected given how distant Pole seemed.

Surprised Ben gave slight scoff. "I'm lucky if I can get her to say two words to me."

Archer wiped his brow and clearly not listening. "Yeah."

Feeling a bit more comfortable he ventured further. "So what's your real name? You can't just be Archer. That's too easy."

Chewing his words for a moment the spark in Archer's eyes seemed to fade as he avoided Ben's eye. Archer quieted for a moment before he spoke, "Names aren't important."

They worked in silence after that. Feeling as though he had tarnished their newly formed friendship Ben felt a bit of anxiety set in. Why did he have such a knack for messing things up?

0-0-0-0

One morning things seemed to be going better than expected as they chased after a slow injured deer.

"We take this thing down we could eat for days." Archer hissed as they stalked after the deer as he aimed his bow and by pure chance the deer jumped into their line of sight just as Archer released an arrow.

As they carried back as much as they could of the deer, feeling more accomplished than he had in months, Ben felt his face burn as the look of admiration and gratefulness met his gaze as they entered camp with their spoils. He wasn't used to so much praise and much less attention.

They gathered by the fire as they ate their fill. Mei cutting off pieces and roasting them in the fire for everyone to share. It had been a long time since he had seen any of them look content. But now as they chewed happily their barriers seemed to lower slightly. He had never felt prouder than he did at that moment.

The fire popped and hissed as they shared stories. Noticing Pole's silence and feeling more comfortable Ben ventured to learn a bit more about Pole. "So why do we call you Pole? What's your real name?"

Pole shrugs and chews quietly. "Doesn't matter now does it? To you I'm just Pole. Plain Pole. Nothing else."

They air in camp seemed to shift slightly as Pole continued. " There's a lot of power in a name. Once you know someone's name you think you know them but you don't. "

"When the Outbreak was still fresh... when everything seemed like it could blow off in a couple of months, I was with my best friend. We made a good life of running and collecting scraps of food. We did alright avoiding the walkers. But walkers aren't the only thing you've got to worry about."

She started to pick at the loose stitch of string on the cuff of her jacket. "We had a lot of supplies, we were doing alright but those bandits. Those fucking assholes... they're everywhere. They must have been following us for a while because one night we get this guy coming into our camp. He's saying he's from a group of survivors up near Madison. Said he was looking for supplies. Says he's got a car. Then he starts naming names. My Dad's, Jenna's sister. We try to send him away but the next thing - "

She shakes her head violently. "They took Jenna. She screamed. Two of the fuckers held me down. I couldn't - They -"

Jack puts a hand on Pole shoulder. "It's okay. You don't have to-"

"Jenna's screams brought out walkers and the bandits were outnumbered. Those fuckers got what they deserved."

They were silent for a long while. Before Jack decided to keep Pole's spirits up she began to speak candidly about her life before the Outbreak. She spoke with her mouth full, "Dad always thought camping built character. We'd go out and camp for weeks at a time. I always hated it. Figures that's how I'd end up living in the end."

Archer murmured in agreement as he tore into another piece of meat.

"Still... some part of this seems worth it. Watching Archer run bare ass naked through brambles for one." Jack snickered as Archer half choked as he struggled to counter her.

"You act like I walk through the forest naked. I was going to bathe. There was a fucking mountain lion near the lake." Archer pointed out into the darkness.

Pole decidedly a bit more distracted punched Archer arm giving a weak smile as she took a swig of water from her canteen.

Amused Ben spoke, "But there are no mountain lions near Stone Mountain."

Giving Ben an incredulous look as though to say '_I thought we were friends_.' Scoffing Archer threw his hands in the air. "Well you be sure to tell that to the mountain lion who tried to fucking eat me. I'm sure it'll oblige and move somewhere else."

"It's probably the reason there are so few walkers out here. The animals eat them off." Pole said after a moment. Archer met her eye for a moment and wrapped an arm around her shoulder and squeezed, kissing her temple lightly.

"Thank God for the mountain lions then."


	4. Part 4 - We All Fall Down

_[Author's Note: Here I go with the smut again. This took a while to get down on paper but I hope you guys like it despite the wait.. Enjoy and like always comments or reviews are much appreciated. __And for anyone who's interested in a multimedia experience of this story you can check out thissoultornasunder tumblr. That has a few tidbits and photo extras of who I'd cast as the characters, playlists, along with some other goodies._]

Part 4 - We All Fall Down

It had been a month since they had finished off what was left of the deer. They were back on their usual regime of scavenging for scraps and checking their snares for rabbits than had long since been scared off or moved on. Their treks into the forest in search of food became less promising.

"But it's Spring. " Archer snapped at no one in particular as he fiddled with yet another ruined snare. "There are supposed to be animals everywhere. Or babies at least."

Jack gave Archer a withering look. "And you'd be just fine eating a baby rabbit?"

Throwing the tangled snare into a patch of brambles Archer gave a snarl and rounded on Jack. "Look, if you're fine being picky when you've got a couple of cans of food on you that's fine but Pole's got to eat. I don't really care where we get it."

Ben kept watch over camp feeling uneasy as he heard Jack and Archer trampling loudly through the forest. He could hear them arguing on their way back to camp his heart sinking a bit as he noticed they came back empty handed.

Their stomachs were past the point of burning hunger and were now empty cavities waiting to be filled. Food was scarce and a large part of Ben's conscience was wondering if they were merely sticking close to the city out of habit. They were doing it again, clinging to the familiar. How much longer would it be before they were starved out of the forest?

"The rest of the animals seem to be doing just fine with getting food. " Jack grumbled as she pulled out a can of beans from her pack and started to open it with uneven stabs of her can opener. She spooned out a couple of beans per dirty travel mug per person before sitting down by the fire. Her cheeks hollowed her eyes sunken in from unrest.

Archer glared at her as he grabbed a mug and handed it to Pole. She had come out of the tent wrapped in a blanket looking just as haggard as Ben felt. Archer spoke acidly making Ben feel a chill run down his spine. They were at it again. "Well if you've decided to eat bark and leaves you can feel free to dig in. "

Ben felt Mei tug at his arm to grab their rations and retreat as she took his place on watch. Things would only get worse the longer they went without food. As he turned his back to walk away he heard Pole deny her mug saying she wasn't hungry.

That would make five. Five days in a row Pole outright refused to eat instead opting to give her rations to Archer who would refuse until finally his hunger made him give in. The back and forth arguments between Pole, Archer, and Jack were enough to make anyone dizzy. And Ben had never dealt with conflict very well.

The day came and went. Night fell and Ben's stomach still gurgled longingly as he thought of all of the foods he missed: cheeseburgers, chili cheese fries, and maybe a nice big milk shake. Strawberry. God, did he miss strawberries.

The night was pitch black around them. A void of unknown dangers surrounded them but peeking through the trees the stars twinkled on. At least the stars hadn't changed through all of this. A part of him felt comforted by that at least. The stars looked on while the world fell to ruins.

He wondered if there was any hope left for any of them. Breathing in the cool night air Ben gave a sigh watching his breath hang before him frozen for an instant and then it was gone.

Unable to hold back sleep any longer, and seeing the sun tinge the morning sky a soft pink, Ben woke Archer for him to take watch. As he walked over to his tent he saw Jack whittling a tree branch idly.

As at the sound of his footsteps she looks up. "Hey."

"Uh - hey" Ben manages to blurt out pausing for a moment not sure what she wanted.

"So you and Mei. Are you guys a thing?" Jack was always blunt but Ben had rarely been on the harsh end of her probing. He winced slightly at her question.

"I - uh- I don't know. Maybe." He answered dully. " I mean we - we've been together for a while that's got to count for something."

Jack interrupts him sounding as though she had practiced this speech beforehand. "Sex doesn't make people closer. Sometimes it makes more of a rift. That's the vibe I'm getting between you two. Sometimes its better to just leave things alone. Do you get me?"

Feeling a prickle of something, jealousy? Anger? He couldn't tell which. He wasn't used to other people butting in to his life. "Why are you asking me this? You like Mei, then?"

The question fell flat as his voice cracked. Jack gave a small frown.

He had been jealous of Jack for a while. The way Mei let Jack keep her secrets and the way they laugh together. It wasn't something he'd had with Mei for a long time, not since before the Outbreak. He missed being close enough to share secrets, to tell stories. He missed simply being friends.

"Is that what you think this is?" Jack answered testily.

Ben frowns and shakes his head. "You know, you act like you care about everyone here but I've seen you get between Archer and Pole. I've seen you and Archer sneak off when you think no one's looking. One of these days Pole's going to ask-"

"She already knows." Jack mused eyeing him up.

"She knows? And she's okay with that?"

Jack shrugs. "Sex doesn't mean anything. It's just bodies. There's no love in that, there doesn't have to be. Get your jollies when you can, right? Isn't that what you and Mei are doing?"

Outraged Ben stammers back, "No, we - its not -"

"Do you two ever talk, aside from fucking I mean? You ever _really_ talk?"

"Sure. Why do you care?" He shifted uncomfortably in place his face feeling hot.

"Liar." Jack spat into the silence between them.

They glare each other down before Jack sighs and shrugs. "You know she tells me things. About how you two survived until you met up with us. About what happened back at the dorms."

Ben can feel the bile rise up in his throat. The dorms.

He and Mei had been frozen to the spot unwilling to move when the Outbreak hit. The dorms had been their one safe haven and it had been locked down. Some people started to panic their friends, their roommates, people they knew, eighty of them. It wasn't a pretty sight when the glass doors of the dorms had been shattered, when they found out a girl had overdosed in her room. When the same girl came back as one of the walkers all hell seemed to break loose.

The second people started panicking, tearing into each other as walkers, when everyone started screaming. They had watched as a friend's head was bashed in with a baseball bat as she tried to take a bite out of their Resident Assistant. Ben had grabbed Mei's arm tugging her toward an emergency exit. They pushed past one of their friends, he had pushed one of their friends onto a walker on their rush to the door. They watched in horror as the walker tore into the boy's neck. There was blood everywhere.

Jack frowns. "But I don't care about that. Mei's my friend and I'm glad you guys got out of there alright. You can't always worry about everyone else. But I've seen how you act around walkers. And the way things are going I think we'll all be going our own way not too long from now. But you... You can't shoot, you can't beat them to a pulp, you're afraid of blood, you've got no sense... You're no hero. "

Ben felt his cheeks burn hot as he opened his mouth to respond.

"Doesn't matter. You don't need to be. She thinks you are though." Jack finished in a matter of fact tone.

Taken aback Ben murmurs "Thanks. I guess."

Ignoring his comment she continued "You ever ask yourself why you're still here?"

Ben remained silent, guilt consuming him.

"With us I mean. If it weren't for your supplies we would have cast you aside but we didn't. You've got a good heart, kid. And you're letting it eat you up alive. You two don't talk because she doesn't want to weigh you down anymore than you're already weighing yourself down."

"How would you know?" Ben snapped.

"Look at yourself, Ben. If its obvious to me you better believe she sees it. You two were close before the Outbreak, you can be close again if you just try to work things out. "

Ben stares into the fire not saying anything feeling his anxiety set in. Was he really so transparent?

"She looks at you and she likes what she sees. Even after all of the shit you two have seen, you're a good person, Ben. That takes a lot of guts. Just don't let the guilt tear you down. Talk to her. Let her know you're still you."

Stubbornly Ben turns on his heel and heads toward their camp.

Jack calls after him. "I'm trying to be your friend, asshole."

"Thanks but I think I'm good." Ben murmured back his cheeks flushed from frustration.

He lays down on the sleeping bag. A few moments later Mei comes into the tent and nestles herself beside him. He pretends to be asleep. She runs a hand down his arm and sighs before rolling over and attempting to sleep.

A week had passed since his talk with Jack. And despite his stubbornness he knew she had a point. Feeling the need to thank her properly he found her by the fire one night struggling to unknot a bit of fishing line. Thanking her awkwardly he mumbled before meeting her eye knowing she had heard him.

She shrugs. "There's something else though..."

Ben feels a slight foreboding. He asks uneasily. "Yeah...?"

"Ben... we've seen a lot of shit together. You've always had my back. I just wanted you to know we're cool. Whatever happens I've got your back."

Sighing with relief he nodded as he turns to leave she adds "You're not being stupid are you?"

Turning confused Ben glancing about uncertainly. "Uh - sorry?"

"You and Mei. You're not being stupid. We've made enough trips to town for me to notice a few things."

"About what?" Ben asks bewildered.

Giving an exasperated sigh Jack reaches into her pack and tosses a small package at him. Expecting food or supplies Ben was confused before he read the words in the flickering firelight. Condoms. His ears turned red.

"Don't go telling anyone alright? Shit's bad enough without people thinking I just give my supplies away."

"Thanks." Ben murmured his cheeks flushed.

"Not doing this for you. Doing it for her."

Ben turns to leave again and Jack murmurs. "Have fun..."

Spring had flown in seemingly quickly. The weather no longer chilled him to the bone. He began to feel relatively warm again as the sun kissed his skin. Spending so much time out in the open air his cheeks had been brushed with freckles. He had never been much of an outdoorsman before the Outbreak and now he felt he hated it all the more.

He'd do anything to get his old life back. A warm bed, a heater turned on full blast while he listened to his favorite book on tape as he dozed off to sleep without a care in the world. It hadn't been a particularly extravagant or adventurous life but it had been one he missed dreadfully.

Stepping through a patch of particularly thick bramble he tripped falling face first onto the hard earth. He hated nature. He truly did. If he lived to see the end of this he vowed never to step foot outside again.

His most recent trips away from camp had been mostly to check the snares. He had typically gone alone, the snares near camp weren't so far off that he couldn't give a cry for help but they were still farther than Ben would have liked. As tense as things had been at camp he felt he'd rather get moving than to stay still for too long.

Before long Archer would stop seeing fault's in Jack's inability to scavenge anything useful and start to pick apart Ben for not 'pulling his weight' as Archer liked to call it. It hadn't been his fault there wasn't enough game in the area, that the traps were all but empty. Still, guilt welled in Ben's chest and caused him all the more anxiety in the days that followed.

He remembered one night in particular where he and Mei were sharing a can of peaches they had saved from one of their trips into town. They had practically waded through the walker filled streets fighting off half a dozen all to scavenge a few blankets and a few canned goods.

Archer had started accusing them of hoarding supplies. It hadn't been pretty. Ben had always gotten tongue tied when he faced down an argument. Stuttering and voice quaking he somehow managed to argue himself into a corner. He had almost ended up forfeiting what little they had in order to keep the peace when Mei had stepped in.

He gave a half smile at the memory of her speaking up for him, her arguments no better than his. The act alone of standing beside him despite how hopeless it was.

He and Mei had gotten to talking again. Mending the bonds that had been strained over the past few months where he had been frozen in grief. Frozen. It was a funny thing to call depression, but it was what they had settled on in the end. To avoid the seriousness of it he supposed. He had said he was thawing. He said he was glad to have her close by even now. He said he had missed her.

That alone had brought her tears as she embraced him. That alone seemed to mend his torn soul as she embraced him tightly seemingly never intending to let go.

He didn't think her capable of it but she gave a good bear hug.

He was reminiscing again on his trek into the forest. The feeling that filled his chest with warmth, a sense of home. _What was he doing again? Checking the snares?_

He heard the snack of twigs nearby followed by a growl of pain. Ben stood rooted to the stop his baseball bat in hand. No matter how many times he was faced with one he never got used to getting rid of walkers.

He edged forward uncertainly as the sunlight streamed through the trees casting an almost green light on the forest around him. As he inched forward he caught the familiar sight of a blue jacket.

"Mei?" He called out ever so quietly as he raised his bat cautiously.

Looking up at him, her ankle caught in a rabbit snare, Mei gave him a panicked glance before she struggled with the snare again. "Just help me out of this."

Kneeling down he fumbled with the snare noticing tears clinging to her lashes. Pursing his lips he managed to undo the snare his hands stained crimson as her ankle bled freely. His hands shook slightly as he released her ankle and slid the snare off.

Wincing Mei gave a small smile as she gingerly got to her feet.

"What are you doing out here?" He asked wiping his hands on his jeans trying not to think about the blood he stood. His jeans were already coated with dust and grime so this wouldn't make much of a difference. "I thought you said you were going to try to get Pole to eat something."

Mei sighed as she picked up her crowbar. "Jack came back with some more supplies. Don't know where she finds them. She got Pole to take a can of spam. Last I checked she was cooking it over the fire. But that's not why I'm out here."

Reaching into her jacket she pulled out a small worn notebook and handed it to him.

Thumbing through the pages he saw they were all blank. Raising an eyebrow he looked at Mei uncertainly.

"It's a gift you goof." She smiled patting his arm encouragingly. "Your birthday. April right?"

"August, actually." Ben said smiling despite himself as he pocketed the small notebook. "Your memory is crap."

Giving a mock bow Mei gave a laugh. "I aim to please. Besides..."

She trailed off uneasily. They both knew. They might not make it to August with the way things were going.

"Besides, you like sneaking up on me?" Ben added playfully. He wasn't good at this. Flirting. It was all very foreign to him.

Shrugging Mei pushed back a lock of dark hair from her eyes. "You were always writing when we were back at UGA. I thought maybe you missed it. Maybe it'll help? With your thawing I mean. I don't know maybe it was stupid."

Feeling as though the moment was slipping by he reached for her hand and squeezed. "I-it's a great gift. Thanks. Now I just wish I had a pencil."

Mei sighed and glared at her sneakers. "Goddamn it I knew I was missing something."

Giving a small laugh he clapped an arm on her shoulder, she looked up at him his blue eyes met her dark brown ones. He smiled wider. "Hey, it's great. Really. Don't worry about it."

They moved out farther from camp toward the edge of town to check the rest of the snares when they heard screaming. As they moved in closer they saw a woman clutching an orange backpack as she was chased down by two walkers. It looked as though she was going to lose them in the dense forest, her speed far outpacing them, but she was held back by something. Tangled up in something?

Before they drew nearer Ben had figured it out. The snares. She had gotten caught in one of their snares.

"Oh fuck. Oh fuck!" Ben hissed as he and Mei crouched down behind some bushes debating on whether or not he should go help.

The woman's thrashing became more violent as the walkers began to close in. Before Ben could draw another breath Mei had opted to help. Panicked Ben followed suit. They made quick work of the walkers who were caught off guard.

The woman's olive skin was flecked with blood as though she had gotten into a fight just before running off. A friend maybe? As the neared the woman she backed away as far as the snare would allow her orange pack spilling out a few cans of food, a pack of gauze, and bandages.

Ben obligingly went to pick them up for her before he found the woman pleading hurriedly. "I already told you! I don't want any trouble. I'm just trying to get back to my girl. My daughter Sarah. Please just let me go."

He and Mei exchanged glances before Mei spoke. "What?"

Feeling they were starting off on the wrong foot Ben spoke up. "Look this is all a mistake, here."

Reaching down he released the woman from the snare. "We weren't trying to..."

The woman's eyes darted from him to Mei still panicked. "My name's Ben. This is Mei. We're not going to hurt you."

Giving a small friendly smile Mei offered "Maybe we could help. We've got a camp not far from here past the first roadsign. Maybe we could all go back there and clean out your wound."

Ben nodded "You and your daughter would be safe there. We've got plenty of supplies."

Shaking her head the woman gathered her own supplies shoving them into her orange pack. "No, no. I'm fine. _We're_ fine. We don't need anyone else."

Her voice trembled almost as much as her hands as she grabbed the last can of food. And in the next second she was gone, limping off into the forest.

Giving a sigh Ben looked over at Mei who shrugged. Not everyone wanted to be saved it seemed. So much for playing the hero.

0-0-0-0

Nights at camp were fairly quiet. The walkers seemed to be thicker in the cities. At least they're able to get a fairly quiet night's rest.

It had been such a long time since he was able to be alone with his thoughts. Or just to be alone with himself.

Careful to control his breathing Ben ran his calloused fingers down his belly and into his trousers, closing his eyes concentrating. Everyone else was asleep by now however restless it was.

He and Mei had been out scouting the area for most of the day checking the snares in hopes of finding something, anything to eat. Mei took point, always a few paces ahead of him, he wouldn't mean to but somehow the sway of her hips would draw his attention. The way she'd bite her lip when she was thinking over something particularly difficult. He remembered the taste of her vividly though it wasn't the time for them to be close.

He felt a pang of regret as he thought over the months where they had rarely spoken a word to one another. The months where he wasn't sure they were even friends. The months he had spent silent, depression consuming him. Would he ever be able to mend what they had? It made his chest ache. He had missed her.

Being near her but not being able to be close to her like they were, like they once were. But she had made it clear she wanted to hunt. They were all hungry.

Slipping his hand over his length he tried hard to imagine her slender fingers around his cock gently coaxing him. _The odd half smile would grace her lips as she would shyly meet his eyes. Her big brown eyes earnest and eager._ Running his thumb over the head he sucked in a breath as he heard her mumble in her sleep near the fire.

He grew harder and began to pump his fist slowly his breath hitching in the back of his throat.

He remembered nearly a month ago. They had managed to take down a deer. It was sheer luck really. That night they had eaten full to bursting. _She had been so happy. Her cheeks flush with success._

_She came to his tent that night his old letterman jacket draped around her shoulders for warmth. She had kissed him hard and he kissed her back gently coaxing her parted lips slipping in his tongue to tease at hers. The taste of her mingled with blackberries. They snuck into his tent breathless and hungry for something more. She drew her sweater over her head slipping out of it easily as it hung loosely over her now wiry frame. He remembered how hot she felt as she sat in his lap her thin and worn underwear the only thing that separated them. Sliding her underwear off with difficulty. The way she sat in his lap her fingers stroking his length curiously. _

His breath grew uneven as he began to pump his fist faster.

_The way she lowered herself onto his now hard length. Her soft mewling moans as she rolled her hips in time with his. He held her close tightly for fear of losing her. For fear that this was all just another dream._

He began moving his hips in time with his hand desperately seeking release.

_Her legs wrapped around his waist she gripped him tightly. He hoped their embrace wouldn't end so soon but the coiling in his belly and the insistent jerking of her hips made their pace increase. He was first to reach his golden edge and while basking in the rolling of her still insistent hips he rubbed his thumb over her sex, willing her to share in the bliss that he felt slipping his fingers into her and curling them ever so slightly. He had learned something in their quiet conversations alone, her likes and dislikes. The breathy way she climaxed and curled into him. _

The coil in his belly tightened until he could bear it no more. He spilled his seed into his hand.

_He remembered silencing her cry of release with his own kiss. He had kissed her deeply, longingly, wanting and willing it to be real. And for that one night it was._

He wondered if making amends had helped at all. Being close was different from feeling close as he had found out months before. Perhaps it felt different as well. Emotional closeness and physical closeness. Maybe.

He was willing to wait to find out. For now their newly mended friendship would have to do. He cleaned himself off and rolled over onto his side sighing contentedly.

They were friends again. Though he couldn't help but wonder about before. When their hideaway embraces were first drawing the attention of the others and no one could risk the chance of a babe, not in their uncertain condition.

Ben had held on to the vain hope that someday they would be able to hold hands or share a kiss without feeling shamed by it. By the frivolousness of it. Maybe when the world righted itself they could have something more. At the time he hadn't seen the distance that had formed between them. The rift that sex without emotion left them feeling more empty than before. Neither of them were the type to do things so lightly.

So why had they? The threat of death mingled with regret and raw emotion. The desire to _feel_ something but not knowing what. The need to be close but not knowing how close and not knowing how to express it. It lead to their many fumbling nights and half fulfilled desires. But maybe closeness wasn't what they needed exactly. Not the kind they sought out anyway.

He saw that in the way they talked. The act of merely talking and listening was sometimes enough to ease the weight that pressed down on his chest. Regret always rolling around in the back of his mind like pebbles in a shoe. But somehow knowing she was there in the darkness listening to his troubles made his soul feel a little less heavy.

The next few days pass in a haze. By sheer luck they had managed to eat relatively well. Tension was slowly easing up when it was Ben and Mei's turn to check the snares again.

They had found a large patch of blackberries and had managed to fill a good portion of Mei's pack with them when they started to head back to camp their fingers stained red. Ben feels quite proud of his find before he feels a chill run down his back as he spots the unfamiliar figures standing around his camp. Grabbing Mei's shoulder he pulls her back behind a tree. They crouch down behind a large bush.

Peering over the bush he spots at least seven unfamiliar figures rummaging through their camp. Bandits. Jack and Archer stand off to the side as a bandit points a gun at them.

Ben's heart hammers in his chest as Mei grips his arm tightly._ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._

Pole is dragged out of her tent by her hair. She screams and thrashes about.

"Was it you?" One of the larger bandit shouts as he drags Pole up by her hair. "Were you the one stealing from us, Princess?"

Pole spits into the man's face. There was silence for a moment and then a gunshot as Pole's lifeless body hits the ground. There was a clamor as Archer lunges for one of the bandits. There's shouting and then three gunshots. There's a long silence before Ben can peer over the bush again.

He's shaking, trembling with panic. This can't be happening. Mei's breathing becomes ragged her eyes grow wide with panic as her mouth forms a silent scream as she peers over the bush. Swallowing hard Ben peers over long enough to see Jack hands raised standing in a pool of blood as the bodies of both Pole and Archer lay before her.

Her russet skin sprayed crimson from where Archer had stood. She shook as she fell to her knees. Jack, cool, calm, calculated Jack shook from fear. Something in Ben snapped as he gripped his bat. He didn't care that they were outnumbered. He didn't care that it was a death sentence. He needed to get her out of there.

_Whatever happens, I've got your back. _

He shifted his weight to one knee as he started to count the bandits in camp. Six. There were no more than six. But they had guns and all he had was an old aluminum baseball bat. Bullets were faster than any bat.

He went to stand when he met Jack's eye. She saw him her eyes pleading. Ben's brow furrowed as she mouthed the word '**run**.'

There was a snapping of twigs nearby and gargled growls as walkers began to wander toward camp. Ben looked back at the walkers then to Jack once more he gestured to his bat feebly. With an ever so slight shake of her head she mouthed the word again. '**Run**.'

Next to him he heard Mei give a yelp as a walker grabbed the back of her jacket. In her shock Mei had dropped her crowbar and was now clawing at the walker to release her. With well aimed swing Ben manages to knock the walker down. Finally free Mei scrambles for her crowbar and buries it in its eye until the walker stills.

When Ben turns back to peer over the brush again it's too late. The bandits have heard their struggles against the walker.

"Where are your little friends, sweet heart?" A bandit hisses in Jack's ear and then Ben notices it. The orange backpack. His blood runs cold as the bandits draw nearer.

"Dead." Jack answers flatly her eyes unfocused, unfeeling.

He decides in a moment grabbing Mei's arm they run. They run hard and fast stumbling and gasping for air. They run until their throats feel raw and their lungs feel as though they're ready to collapse. They make it to the cliffside of Stone Mountain. To the place where he and Katie used to visit.

They're still gasping for breath when they near one of the old abandoned public bathrooms. There are walkers everywhere swarming about. _Where did they come from? Had the gunfire drawn them out of hiding? Had there really been so many hidden between the brush and trees?_

He's too stunned to move, to even catch his breath when he feels Mei tug at him leading him to the relative safety of the bathrooms, a closed space free from walkers or so she hoped. He followed unthinking. They manage to make it there fairly unnoticed but the bathroom wasn't empty. After a few close calls they manage to rid themselves of the two walkers that had been trapped inside. They lock the door for all the good it did them.

Mei has already crouched in a corner her head between her legs as she tries hard to control her breathing. Wrapping an arm around her he held her tight. They sat there for a long while as Mei's panicked breathing slowly settled to soft sobs. He could do nothing but tremble in the wake of what had fallen upon them.

She looked about as bad as he felt. Noticing how dark the circles had gotten under her eyes he once again wished for the Outbreak to be over. For them to simply exist without fear. Resting his head on hers they struggled for calm. Their pack of blackberries lay on the floor forgotten the smell of the rotting walker flesh filling the room as walkers from the outside snarled and gave gargled growls as they passed by.

They hide there until morning when the sound of the walkers dies off as they wander off. The world is trapped in a surreal haze when Ben hears it. The familiar crackle of a walkie talkie. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not when Mei sits up.

"Where is that coming from?" She whispers her eyes searching the bathroom as the sound echos. It was coming from one of the walkers. A walkie talkie gripped to its belt.

"Help me goddamn it. They've got me trapped. *crackle* Help me." The voice on the walkie pleads.

Ben's ears perk up as he hears the voice. No, it couldn't be. He was imagining it. Mei moves forward grabbing the walkie. The voice pleads again and Ben snatches the walkie and answers back, the voice so familiar because it was. "Mom?"

There was a long pause as Mei starts to give him a look when the voice answers, "Ben?"

Ben looks to Mei to make sure he wasn't dreaming it. Mei nods firmly with a look of surprise as she mouths the word 'Mom?' but no sound comes out. He wasn't imagining it. It was really her. A flicker of hope flashed before him. Maybe not all was lost.


	5. Part 5 - You Can't Go Home Again

_[Author's Note: I've edited this chapter after leaving it for a while. I hope you e__njoy it and like always comments or reviews are much appreciated. __And for anyone who's interested in a multimedia experience of this story you can check out thissoultornasunder tumblr. That has a few tidbits and photo extras of who I'd cast as the characters, playlists, along with some other goodies._]

There wasn't enough time to say what he wanted. "Mom? Mom! Where are you?"

Ben's heart leapt into his chest as he gripped the walkie so hard his knuckles turned white. _Please let this be real. Please let it be Mom._

Worry wrinkled his brow as they waited in silence, Mei crouching down near him her eyes glazed over as she lost herself in thought.

He heard his mother on the other end of the walkie talkie, "Ben, honey...I need help..."

Her voice was little more than a hushed whisper. " I'm trapped in a gas station near the park where I used to take you and Katie. Do you remember?"

_Yes, yes of course he remembered. _Ben felt his heart hammer in his chest. "Yeah."

"Please I need -" The voice cut out and then there was nothing as the batteries on the walkie died.

Feebly Ben fiddled with the volume desperately wanting to hear her voice again. She was alive.

It was a long while before he had worked up the nerve to speak again let alone move.

They had arrived at the gas station not a moment too soon as walkers began to pour into the gas station. Reuniting with his mother was anything but the wonderful reunion he had imagined all those months ago as they fought their way past walkers. There was no time for questions or kind words.

They retreated into an old church in order to catch their breath. Mei slumped down against a pew as Ben's mother doubled over clutching her side. They had run desperately from one cover to the next, the walkers never letting up until they had finally settled on holding up in the church.

It was nothing like the movies. There was no heroic rescue. Only escape. There were too many walkers, too many unknowns, too many risks.

His heart hammering in his chest Ben gasped for breath as his throat burned with every rasping breath.

Things were finally starting to take their toll. Starvation, exhaustion, and trauma had a way of making even the strongest souls break and Ben had never been very strong.

Shots were fired somewhere in the distance and the pounding of the walkers trying to break down the heavy wooden doors subsided as they made their way toward the distant noise.

The once silent and peaceful church was now filled with wheezing and coughing as Ben's mother finally stood straight and looked over at Ben her dirty blonde hair matted with blood, her eyes sunken, wild. If Ben didn't know better he would have said this couldn't be his mother. His mother was a plump school teacher with kind eyes and a gentle voice. This bedraggled woman couldn't possibly be her. But it was.

Part of him wondered much he had changed after the year that had passed since the Outbreak.

His mother's soft gray eyes met his. "We need to get back camp."

Ben gave a hurried nod as he knelt beside Mei's slumped form her dark hair cover her face like a sheet as she struggled to breathe her hands balled up into fists. Placing a hand on her shoulder he felt her tense before she peered up at him through her dark hair and met his sky blue eyes.

They waited until the coast was clear, until the rasping uneven wheezing of Mei's breath subsided before they headed back toward the forest but not the way he and Mei had come. As they trampled through the underbrush in silence.

His mother's camp was not at all what he expected. She hadn't survived alone as it seemed. There were at least four other sleeping bags, a stack of supplies, several guns, but the people where nowhere to be seen. They had repurposed one of the old ranger outposts to shelter against the cold of Winter and the rainstorms of Spring.

He saw no sign of his sister or father. Ben felt the need to ask. "Mom, how long have you been out here?"

"Long enough." She answered bluntly.

Ben felt uneasy. This wasn't like her. "Where's Dad? Katie?"

"Gone." She had answered flatly. She didn't seem interested as she rummaged through her backpack.

"Gone where?"

"Enough with the questions," She snapped. "They're gone. Ain't coming back. Ever."

Ben swallowed hard as his heart sank. "Did walkers take them?"

Silence, and then in almost a whisper his mother answered. "No."

Feeling his mouth go dry Ben fell back against the wall behind him leaning against it for support. So much for hope. So much for having his family back.

"Did the living?" Mei murmured beside him.

His mother didn't answer but instead riffled through her backpack impatiently. "The End changes you. You can't think like you did before the Reckoning. All you've got to do is survive. That's it. Everything else is extra."

"Everyone else you mean." Mei says as she stares at the pile of supplies just beyond Ben's mother, her eyes grow wide.

Curiously Ben follows her line of sight and spots something buried off underneath the supplies. A strap of something orange. It was a backpack. The same backpack he had seen one of the bandits wearing the day before when they camp had been raided. The day they had lost everything. Yesterday.

Feeling a chill run down his spine Ben straightened up abruptly. Mei met his eye and as her brows knitted together anxiously. Ben gave her a quick nod as they began to inch toward the door.

Luck was not on their side.

Pulling out a pistol from her pack Ben's mother pointed it at Mei unflinchingly. "Now, honey... where do you think you're going? You're going to stay right here. "

"No! Mom, please this isn't you." Ben pleaded. "We'll do whatever you want - we'll stay just please-"

The butt of a rifle hit the back of his head and Ben is knocked out as four bandits come through the door making themselves at home.

When he comes to a few hours later he could hear muffled arguing as his mother shouted at a man inside the ranger's outpost. He was tied to the railing of the lookout feeling his wrists chafe against the ropes.

He found no trace of Mei. His mind's eye flashes with the worst possible outcome. He thought of Pole lying in a pool of blood her eyes vacant empty. He thought of Archer. Jack. He hadn't seen what had happened to Jack.

When he and Mei had made their way to town through the forest they had stopped by their old camp, wary of what they might find. But the bandits had done one thing right. Ben grimaced at the thought.

They had shot both Pole and Archer in the head. But Jack... No, he saw no sign of Jack. Maybe she had been lucky and managed to get away?

But he remembered the look in her eyes. There were too many of them. Jack, cunning though she was, had looked at a loss. There had been nothing but fear in her eyes then.

And what of Mei? Had the same thing happened to her? Was she simply gone, lost or worse?

Jolted away from his thoughts Ben jumped as he heard someone nearby. The door of the outpost slams as one of the bandits headed down the stairs into the forest.

His mother appeared a few minutes later as she peered over the railing to make sure they are alone. She knelt beside him her grey eyes soft and worried as she gingerly touches the back of his head. Ben flinches and inches away from her.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. But we need the girl. " She smoothed down his hair. She rests her rifle on the railing nearby. Ben feels the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. "The boys took her into town. The walkers can have at her while we get what's left of our stashed supplies. Don't worry, honey... you'll be safe with me."

"Let her go. Mom, please. Take me. Take me instead. Please."

His mother smiled slightly. "Hm. You sound just like your Dad..."

She looked away her eyes growing dark. "You can't always save people. Sometimes you have to just let things happen...You have to think about surviving. Sometimes that means sacrificing what you have for something else."

Shaking his head Ben felt tears sting at his eyes. "Mom, please... this isn't you..."

She untied him and gave him a stern look. The same look she'd given him when he was younger. The look Katie had called _Mom's scary face_. "Benjamin Paul, that's quite enough out of you. Why don't you come with me and we'll go tidy up? What do you say?"

"Help me. Help me save her." He pleads but the eyes that meet his, once so kind were now a lost steely grey.

_She's gone._ A voice says in his mind. _This wild eyed woman isn't her anymore._

Heart pounding, anxiety tingling in his fingers Ben swallows hard and makes the decision to go for it. He lunged for the rifle but she's too fast for him. He struggles to take the rifle from her, he doesn't have much time. Just when he thought he has the upper hand there is a loud bang as the rifle goes off grazing his shoulder. Bleeding freely Ben manages to wrestle the gun away from his mother before he hit her with the end of the rifle. She lay at his feet motionless and for a split second he thinks he's killed her. Kneeling down next to her he sees the rise and fall of her breathing. He drags her into the outpost and closes the door.

As much as she had changed she didn't need a walker sneaking up on her unawares.

Patching up his shoulder as best he could with the medical supplies he found inside the outpost Ben heads off in the direction of town.

Guilt pooling in his chest as he truged through the forest his hands stained crimson with blood. It didn't make him as nauseous as it once had. Maybe he was growing used to it?

Or maybe he didn't have the time to care anymore. Fear had become a big part of his daily life, what was a little blood?

But the aching in his shoulder begged to differ.

He had lost everyone who had every mattered to him. He hadn't wanted this. He had just wanted for everything to go back to the way it was before.

College classes, summer barbecues, shy kisses at the movie theater, good friends and a strong family. His chest ached with longing. He wished... _but if wishes were gumdrops._ His mother's words echoed in his head. Ben shook his head.

He had to hold onto hope. That was the only thing keeping him alive. The promise that tomorrow would be better.

Slinging his backpack over his shoulder he took a good portion of supplies and Mei's abandoned crowbar into his pack. He needed to find her. His chest tighted as he worried that he's too late when he reached the edge of town.

The city was quiet. Mostly quiet.

He climbed his way up onto the roof of the old candy shop to get a better view of the area.

Aside from the gargled growls of the walkers Ben can see no sign of anyone else nearing town. Panicked he scanned the hoard of walkers in the streets. _Maybe they were already devouring her._ The thought makes his want to wretch.

He heard shouting followed by a strangled scream. Whirling around he spotted Mei half a block ahead of him struggling against something that kept one of her hands tethered to an old shop railing. Handcuffs.

Walkers were closing in as Mei struggles desperately against the handcuffs. Ben tried to shoot at one of the Walkers only succeeding in making a great deal of noise and causing more walkers to take notice. Finally gaining some sense he throws Mei her crowbar which lands a good five feet short of where she is.

Trapped and desperate Ben starts to feel his chest cave in as he drops to his knees watching in horror as the walkers close in on Mei. He can feel his panic consume him as he hears his heart beat in his ears.

Everything seemed to move so slowly after that as though this were all happening to someone else. Not him. Of course not. This was all some vivid nightmare. This couldn't be happening.

Then he hears it. Three distinct shots from a pistol as a woman steps out of the alleyway. Her russet smeared with blood her hair tied back. It took a moment for him to register it and then - Jack, bloodied, bruised, and limping appears from an alleyway pistol drawn as three walkers fall at her feet. She slides Mei's crowbar over to her with one foot. Mei manages to break free and relief washes over him.

So much so that he had no time to react to the two men who had climbed up onto the roof after him. He's knocked out once again and taken back to the ranger's outpost.

He remembers very little of the two days they spent taking turns beating him. They were low on supplies and they weren't keen on having him around. There are only four bandits left.

That meant Jack had taken down at least two of them. He felt a small twinge of pride at that. Jack and Mei were safe. He felt comfort in that at least.

Four of bandits excluding his mother who want to shoot him. And although his chest filled with fear he wanted desperately to accept it. To end it. He closed his eyes waiting. No longer opening them even for the beatings.

He felt the barrel of a gun against his head. He tried not to wince at the pressure against his temple.

He didn't expect it then when he felt the gun snatched away and heard his mother arguing, shouting, threatening the other bandits. The bandits retreated into the outpost and Ben opened his eyes. She unties him looking angry, looking desperate.

"Go on. Go! I don't want to see you ever again you hear!" But there's a quivering sadness in her voice. She smooths down his hair once more. "...I wish it hadn't turned out this way."

There's a commotion inside the outpost. Panicked she gave him a shove and told him to go.

Ben stumbles forward into the cover of the forest he hears his mother arguing with one of the men. He hears a gunshot and then silence.

Ben runs faster. He's on his own for a few days until he finally feels like giving up hope. He hasn't eaten and he's weak. He hears gunshots nearby and thinks it's the bandits again. He finds Jack and Mei arguing. Mei calling Jack reckless for using bullets and Jack playfully argues back "you want to eat or not?"

They patch up Ben's shoulder and head off toward the road away from the forest in order to make camp.


	6. Part 6 - From the Ashes

** [A/N: Hey guys this is one of three parts to come. I hope you enjoy it. ]**

Four years had past since the Outbreak. It had been in the forth year when the walker population had finally started to wain giving them a chance to breathe once again. Having some time to pause for breath, their group slowed their pace.

"I don't get it!" Mei snapped heaving on her walking stick and clutching her side with her free hand. "You were a nursing student and you couldn't sew the kid's forehead shut?"

Jack shot back a scowl as she took point ahead of them. "Nursing student. Emphasis on student. I read textbooks and practiced CPR on dummies for a year before shit went to hell. I didn't have time to get over my fear of needles but thanks for that."

The look on Jack's face seemed to say the conversation was over.

Behind them Ben supported a kid no older than fourteen, his forehead smeared with blood and what looked like hasty stitches above his right eyebrow.

"You saved my life..." the boy half mumbled under his breath, it seemed he was still woozy from the blood loss.

Ben shifted his weight over his arm. "No, I didn't. I stitched you back together that was it."

"But you did! You-"

Annoyed Ben stopped for a moment and hissed, "Shut up, Oliver. We have to keep moving. "

Somewhere up ahead Mei and Jack were arguing again. He could barely hear them but he knew it wasn't good as he and Oliver drew nearer.

"Then there's this asshole..." Jack continued gesturing at Ben. "Brings along any survivor he finds along the way. You think we have that kind of food? You think it's getting any easier to find?"

Mei glared back at Jack her cheeks flushed with frustration. The heat of the day was getting to them. "And what were we supposed to do?"

"Leave him." Jack snapped wiping the sweat from her brow. "You had no problem leaving that little girl back in Savanna."

"She was already dead!" Mei shouted.

"You don't know that!" Jack shouted back her voice growing hoarse. "We could have saved her. Just lifted that goddamn sign and - I just want this to end damn it..."

Her voice faltered as she turned away rubbing her temples.

Shifting Oliver's weight over a bit Ben reached over into his backpack and pulled out a small can of corn. It was half the size of a normal can and it was almost laughable how long he had hung onto it. He clung to the vague reminder that they had a civilization once. That food came in neat containers that were ready to eat. The kind of food you didn't have to track down and skin, spend hours searching the brush for a handful of eatable black berries. Rubbing his thumb against the rings on the can Ben called over to Jack.

"Eat something." He tossed it over to Jack who raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Taking the can in one hand she looked down at the label.

"Jack, you've gone longer than any of us without food. Just take it."

The words hung in the air for a long while as Jack stared down at the can before turning away from the group rubbing away frustrated tears from her eyes as she gave a mumbled whisper. "Corn. I fucking hate corn."

They waited on the edge of a small town while Jack cracked open the small can and began to eat in silence. Sitting on the hood of a long abandoned car, Ben pulled out what was left of a bottle of water. Above them the sun seared on.

Oliver leaned against the car his head clutched in his hands rubbing at his temples. "Things just keep getting worse and worse."

Looking up from where she knelt Mei gave a frown. "There are less walkers now than there were when this whole mess started. Count your blessings."

Jack finished off what was left of the can and poured the rest of it in her mouth before tossing away the can. "The kid has a point. Things are still going to shit, foods running out, the people we run into are looking out only for themselves, and we've lost people."

The way her voice trailed off Ben felt his stomach twist with guilt. They'd lost more than their fair share of friends in the past four years.

They had made a rule a while back, no picking up stray survivors after they had adopted a small boy no older than six or seven. He had been whimpering and wailing on the side of the road. There was no sign of their parents and they promised to keep him safe. It had been a trap of course. As they slept that night a group of survivors had overtaken them beating them bloody and unconscious taking everything they had, supplies, food, blankets, everything of use, everything that mattered. It was then they had decided to keep to only if it was absolutely necessary.

This new boy, Oliver, seemed to be an exception, however. Unwelcome as he might be.


End file.
